A place (not) called home

Foolishly I believed I had a place of my own. A place that I could write and bash at a typewriter and feel productive and alive. A place of warmth, love and enjoyment while I explore the inner worlds of my imagination without persecution or fear of death.

Oh my friends, how wrong was I.

You see, I now live with a cat. A cat named Cookie. And may the name Cookie strike fear into your heart in the same way that the name 'Vlad the impaler' does, for living with a cat is a ocean of anxiety and impending doom.

Cats, my friends... are known to be vicious psychopathic murderers, and I fear that it is only a question of time before my time is up. The murderous nature of cats was recently exposed in an info-graphic on the comic site 'The Oatmeal'. The info-graphic can be found HERE,  It is worth a read so that you know about the true nature of our furious furry friends.

Here's a quick snippet...

Sure, I'm bigger than Cookie by an huge factor, but this by no means guarantees that I can rest easy at night. As the Tortoise proved to the Hare, you shouldn't take your advantage for granted.

At first I thought that Cookie and I got along just fine. I fed her, changed her water, and gave her the occasional warm lap to hop onto. I even opened and closed the door to the back yard for her so she could go and check out if the ginger cat from next door had peed on her lemon plant. But this wasn't enough. Oh no, it wasn't.

Soon she snubbed my lap and instead would just sit there looking at me with a foul expression in her eyes and her teeth bared in a threatening mood.

I sat down to dinner one evening and it wasn't long before I had Cookie sitting next to me in expectation of getting some of my food. Just for reference, She seems to like expensive cheese and freshly slaughtered cattle. On this occasion Cookie moved around behind me then started beating my spine with her tail in a series of rapid movements. Surprised by this unexpected action I sat frozen in confusion. However, seconds later I felt the piercing grasp of a left front claw trying to rip towards one of my kidneys from behind. Almost immediately after that, Cookie tried to tare with her right claw inwards to my other kidney - before she fled up stairs.

Later I found Cookie sitting on my typing table, clearly asserting her dominance over my position. She Partially smothered my Triumph Perfekt in a way that implied that she could do the same to my face as I slept.

Oh sure, everyone else in the house insists that I am just crazy and that Cookie really just likes me in a cat way. But I know what is going on - Cookie has played the game and made sure that before she smothers me in my sleep then rips open my jugular in order to finish me off before she consumes my kidneys for breakfast, she has everyone in the house on her side first.

Bastard cat!

Cookie fleeing as I collect evidence of her dastardly threats. 

So I wait and sleep with one eye open while I anticipate and fear my impending doom. While everyone else is around, Cookie is the usual friendly and loving kitty that everyone thinks she is. But the moment they leave, she hops up on the table and gazes at me with malevolence and hunger. 

Yes.... with a murderous and hungry gaze.....

A "Your kidneys look delicious" Gaze.

This could be the last blog I ever write. If you see a cat running around with one of my fat fingers hanging out of her mouth, please catch her and get that finger (and what is left of me) to a hospital. She's probably trying to stop me writing and exposing her murderous intentions. 

Farewell..... And I hope we meet again. 

Alternative keyboards?

It seems Microsoft have come up with something cool to do with a keyboard. This... cool thing.. is a merging of computer system controller and.... a keyboard.

So someone down here in the Australian media has then seen it and which somehow led to them writing an article about alternative keyboards. 

The device itself is actually more about replacing the trackpad or mouse, but the writer certainly didn't let that fact get in the way of a good story about keyboards. And while the article provides nil new information, it does however talk a fair bit about typewriters and the history of attempts to change the keyboard.

You can read the article here. But don't just yet.

Don't spend too much time reading the article. The author doesn't actually "say" much. Instead, they seem to have liberally quoted Rob Messenger over at Oz Typewriter for the article, and looked at the already pointles KALQ keyboard.

Now my question is: Rob, (or anyone else) do you actually have a DVORAK  keyboard typewriter? I'd love to get my hands on one, or at least see one.

In the meantime while we're waiting for these replacement keyboards, here's a picture of what Time magazine calls 'the ultimate blogger desk'. A desk that has been made so your cat can scurry about exploring inside instead of annoying you on the top of your desk.

Meow, n' stuff.

I need to get me one of these to replace the 1920's dining table that I currently use as a desk. I might also need to get a cat as well, but I don't think that'll be hard to find. But I can't see this desk ever replacing the standard QWERTY desk. 

Although, if it is able to keep the cat off the top of the desk, it may keep it away from the "Robotic Printer" that is going to replace our regular printers.

Yeah, Shark-cat. You know it. Get back in your desk and off your robot.

Hmmm... I'm sure there's some more useless garbage that I can cram into this post. Just let me know if I've missed something.