Will you be my Valentine letter, you filthy googling pervert?

Cast your mind back a year, oh typosphere, and remember what happened on my blog on Valentine's day 12 months ago.

Actually, don't strain your memory cells too hard... Here's a recap: 

Last year, my tortured letter to the Valentine typewriter that I had repaired became item number 4 on google's image search. As such, many love-lorn boys and girls came to read my blog looking for inspiration for romantic prose - only to find a blog entry on how I wished to smash my Valentine to pieces lady McBeth style.

Well, haven't things changed in the past year!

This year..... Guess where I am.

That's right.... I'm at number 3! I'm even beating Oprah's love quotes. Again I seem to be torturing lovers everywhere, and deflating their libido with my post-repair angst. 

In the last 24 hours my Groma was almost about to be pipped by my Valentine for popularity. 

Well.... I can't be deflating their libido that much. There has been a worrying trend in the search terms that have brought readers other than the typosphere members to my blog. Here's a little screen grab:

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a very open minded man, and I like to think I'm rather worldly. Heck, I'm all for trying something at least once. Well, mostly... I'll have to rule out keychopping.

But.... what the ****.... is 'Platen Sex'? 

This is a serious entry. I see this in my search terms surprisingly frequently, so naturally I googled it myself and braced for the potential risk of seeing people doing things with platens that may be pretty much illegal in almost all American states. 

Oddly enough my blog about Ikea and their un-sexiness comes up as the second entry on google when you search for that term. But otherwise there's pretty much nothing to tell me what on earth 'platen sex' is. 

I have a theory. And the theory is that certain pepped up and excited men have been trying to google 'planet sex', but have been so jittery with enthusiasm, or so illiterate that they have mis-spelled it with comical and unfortunate results. 

Either way, like the lovelorn that unfortunately have become trapped in the pitfall that is my blog when they've been looking for something else, welcome! If you're going to put your feet up on the furniture, please take your shoes off first. And for those of you who are thinking of making yourselves a little too comfortable... keep your damn pants on. 

An open letter to the Blogger/Google staff.

From my Olivetti Lettera DL. A Typewriter that has survived longer than all of Google's services, and saw their competitors become giants and fall.

Spoiling Valentine's day letter writing with Google.

It wasn't my fault..

Somehow, I killed the romance of Valentine's day via my blog. Or so the nasty little email said.

I first became aware of my ruining Valentine's day before I received a request to take down my 'letter'. It was in my blog stats... my blog was getting hundreds of hits to my older entry about my Valentine typewriter.

The stats also reveled something else interesting. They revealed that one of the top search terms that had been bringing people to my blog, had been "Valentines letter".

So I entered this into Google, and got a bit of a shock. There was my typed 'Hate letter to my Valentine', displayed as number 4 of the top 5 image searches for this term. Right at the very top of the Google search page.

Oh lovers, how Google was not your friend this Valentine's day! With lines like "With thoughts in mind as to how to dash your pretty keys across the hardened shell of my Remington 16", I can only imagine how people responded when they clicked the image of my scanned letter.

Actually, it gives me a bit of a giggle just thinking about it.

Come on kids... (sigh) Where's the romance!

Oh well... Here's a letter for you star-crossed lovers - or, in text speak U * X <3s, to discover next year. Let me ruin the romance for you, with some vague attempt at poetry.

 

And thus - we have why this blog is called 'The Filthy Platen'.

Next time, just buy them flowers. It is the easiest way to say 'I love you, but don't really want to put any effort into expressing it', that I can think of.